I managed to achieve a whole month free from self-harm and I feel happier than I imagined I would feel for managing this. The feeling of happiness and joy definitely outweighs the temporary satisfaction and peace that comes from giving in to urges to self-harm.
At the time the urges feel so overwhelming and unavoidable, but this happiness, this pride, this feeling of having overpowered something cruel and damaging, I’m not sure that anything can be better than this.
When I started out with the resolve to do a month free from self-harm, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to manage to do it. At times during the month, I really did want to give in. I so very nearly did a number of times. Yet I didn’t give in and this does feel like an enormous achievement for me.
I’ve been struggling with self-harm, on and off, since I was fourteen years old. Over the last few years it has been a problem for most of the time. It was often something I turned to so that I could feel something, a way to punish myself when staring and exercise were not enough.
Now I am twenty-three years old and I think that this could be the start of a life with no more self-harm. At least, I really hope it is.
I think that maybe I need to put this level of resolve into fighting anorexia, but I don’t think it is quite as straightforward. Staying free from self-harm can be measured; it is clear to you if you have cut or burned or scratched or hurt yourself intentionally in some way. But with anorexia, that voice in your head feels like your own voice and it is so hard to know what is anorexia making you restrict or compensate and what is you just being you. Anorexia and yourself get so entwined and are so attached that they cannot be easily separated.
When I am not hungry, I don’t want to eat, even though I know my meal plan recommends that I eat three proper meals and three snacks a day.
I prefer homemade meals and healthier foods to ready-made foods and things that are commonly classed as junk food. I know that this is sort of orthorexic and that I shouldn’t be quite so afraid of not having food I see as healthy but it is part of me too.
It’s hard to know how to do things without them being disordered. I know that I am currently scared of ready meals, takeaways, not having vegetables in or with a meal, but then I have never really been a fan of these things. So is it me or anorexia? Or, more likely, is it a bit of both?
It is so confusing for me to work out and get my head around. So many people talk about the issue of separating the anorexia and yourself so I know it is a challenge.
And this is why I think that anorexia cannot be faced with quite the same resolve as self-harm. It can’t be avoided in quite the same way. Yes, I can resolve to eat more and challenge fear foods but staying safe or choosing safer options creeps in so subtly that you don’t realise you are doing it.
I suppose it’s still a similar type of resolve, being vigilant and strict with yourself about doing the best thing for your future self. But also, letting go of self-harm, although tough, hasn’t discarded all my quick-fix mechanisms; when I completely let go of all anorexic behaviours, rules, thoughts and disordered-ness, that’s when I won’t have any quick-fix mechanisms left. I know anorexia is damaging and cruel but it’s familiar.
Nevertheless, maybe that feeling of happiness and pride will be worth it. To have overcome something that has dominated so much of my life and taken so much will surely be worth the pain and anguish and struggle of letting go. You won’t know if you don’t try.
And that leads me onto a little saying that I heard at church during the summer and has really stuck with me.
‘Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It’s too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
and he pushed,
And they flew.’
So, take that step and maybe you will be surprised by what happens next.
New Leaves 